The Modern Eyebrow

Before I get onto the subject of eyebrows, I’d like to start by saying I am really stupid. You see the London College of Fashion Magazine launch I posted about a few weeks ago was nothing of the sort. It was a complete con! A fabulous con complete with canapés and cocktails but a con non-the-less. It turns out that ‘magazine’ was actually code for ‘prospectus’ and I was the only person at the party that didn’t psychically interpret that from the invite. Hurumpf. Anyway, the reason I’m embarrassing myself by telling you this, is that while at this event I had a defining moment in my search for the perfect eyebrow.

For some time now I have been in pursuit of the perfect ‘modern’ eyebrow. An eyebrow that is straight and thick and full. The journey originally begun last summer when I accepted a new job, I still had the harsh words of a make-up artist I was on a shoot with echoing round my head ‘you have very old fashioned eyebrows’. Gawd dammit! I don’t have old fashioned anything if I can help it! So, I let my eyebrows grow for 3 weeks whilst on holiday and had them threaded two days before I started the position. “New job, new shape” was my rationale. The look satisfied me for some time, they were a marked improvement on the dramatic brows that predated them (for which I blame Cosmo and my mam by the way. Both encouraged me to pluck far too young. I lacked experience, style and enough sense to know what I was doing was going to affect my looks for years to come. What resulted was a very Gothic architectural inspired shape that made me look permanently surprised). Eventually though the novelty of my reshaped eyebrows wore off, they were nice enough but they were still no Natalia.

Fast forward a little to the ‘magazine’ launch. I’m having fun, guzzling the free cocktails and sneering at the hoxtonites. No one would guess that I was in the middle of my very own browgate. I was over 6 weeks in. I was growing out my ‘old-fashioned’ shape to make way for the ‘modern’ eyebrow. If you were to sweep my fringe aside you would see the full horror of my situation. I looked (and still look) like I fell asleep in a play-school and was attacked by several million children armed with marker pens and an unusual affinity with Frida Kahlo.

Anyway, it was here while stroking the very in elusive and very long hair on my chin that I had a series of awful thoughts that went something like this – why won’t my eyebrows grow as strong and as quickly as the hair that insists on inhabiting my face? What if they never grow in properly? My eyebrows STILL have baldy patches 6 weeks in! It’s so unfair! I have alopecia of the eyebrow! As I get older I have less hair in the places I want and much, much more everywhere else. Does it simply serve to amuse Jebus that I have now have hairs in random places like my big toes? (Did I just grim you out there? I grimed myself out a little).

The panic settled in. I tried to disguise it by eating mini toad in the holes but that didn’t work because some fucking genius decided to put horseradish on them. HORSERADISH ON PORK? Heathens. Panic was swiftly replaced by nausea and I was forced to put my thinking cap on just to distract myself. What should I do? What should I do to remedy this pickle I had found myself in?

And so I came up with a plan of action complete with contingencies if the unspeakable should happen and my eyebrows *gulp* remain sparse. Firstly, I set a deadline. I would give my eyebrows until just before my birthday to right themselves and if nothing had changed then I would have them threaded to as thick a shape as possible and move onto plan B. Eyebrow thickening products. If they won’t grow, I’ll just buy the hairy beasts!

My birthday is now less than three weeks away. And in case I need to resort to emergency action I’ve been trying as many products as possible i.e. as many as my job will allow me to call in without being fired. They range from the very cheap to the inordinately expensive. And being a kind, generous, helpful person I am sharing the best 3 with you:

Lancôme high precision eyebrow pencil: The colour lasts all day and is surprisingly natural. Many eyebrow pencils (Chantecaille’s included!) can give your eyebrow an orange tinge and Lancôme manage to avoid that landmine.

Shavata heart shaped tweezers: Tweezing your eyebrows into a strong shape can make them look thicker. These tweezers are part of a mini kit that includes a mirror with 5 x magnification. Perfect for plucking! What I really love is the compact size and the kitsch design. The squeals my friends make when I pull this out of my handbag are unreal. My only gripe is that trying to get the tweezers out of the compact can be a bit fiddly.

Talika eyebrow extender: This is my favourite product by far. You sweep the head along your brow, it leaves fibres that mimic your eyebrow and create the illusion of thickness. Aye carumba! It’s quite addictive, that’s the only problem. Like pringles. Once you pop you can’t stop. And if you apply too much your eyebrows become hard and glossy. A great product if you can show restraint!

So there you go. I have shared my knowledge. If I can save just one person from going through what I have experienced, my pain will all be worth it. *Wipes tear from eye*

Edith

Kate Moss for Topshop. Cock right off!

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say what I think many of you are thinking…

Kate Moss’s collections for Tophop are SHIT. Especially the latest one which launched yesterday. They aren’t even collections (and I am qualified to say that because I studied fashion design at uni, so ner!). Just random clothes hung together, a bit like a nice charity shop that just happens to have several of each item (perhaps because they chanced on some dead-stock you think to yourself?). There is no concept, no obvious colour palettes, little in the way of repeat details, and the fabrics, well, to be fair, they are what to be expected for that price point. It is just a mish-mash of clothes that you have a vague recollection of seeing the supermodel wearing at some point over the past few years.

What we (and Philip Green) need to remember is that, just because you have the ability to make anything look good, some style, and you can make Jo Public willing to sell their Gran just to own the latest shoite you were pictured in, this does not mean you should be heralded as a designer. I mean, my sis has this knack of making any old polyester market tat look fantastic, but I wouldn’t recommend for one second that Harold Tillman hand over the keys to Jaeger design studio and say ‘there you go luv, knock yourself out!’.

I do understand what Sir Philip Green was thinking (my Nan would say he was just seeing pound signs in front of his eyes and *tut*). But the fact that these ‘collections’ are based on what Moss herself has worn and not what she wants to wear in the future illustrates my point beautifully. She has no credible talent in this area. No vision. Arguably, she is able to recognise a good thing when she sees it, she does have an eye and could be an excellent stylist. But she is not a designer. Kate’s collections are reminiscent of what Topshop was doing years ago, you know, when it was dirt cheap, safe and a bit rubbish (but the high street was limited back then so we had no choice but to go there for our ‘Friday night on the tiles’ outfit). Well, people, this is no longer the case, So I beg you, I URGE you in fact. STOP THIS MADNESS! Don’t buy this pathetic excuse for a collection, and lets restore Ms Moss to her rightful position in society: The beautiful, crack-lovin (allegedly) laydee that we all know and *heart*.

Edith

Images from the fashion police